Poem: Extra nice person
If not external, I believe it’s internal.
And this belief makes me a better person,
Ohh! I am so good. I am an extra nice person.
I am more concerned for you and for any other,
Need not be my close one, lover, father, sister, mother or brother.
I even love my enemy. I love strangers, I love everyone.
I won’t be burnt in hell because I am on way to heaven.
And I hate the hatred, crime, war and gun,
Ohh! I am so good. I am an extra nice person.
I live in a way a man should live,
Always following the sacred text written back some centuries.
I love God, myself, close ones and even my neighbor,
And I judge how one is behaving and what one is saying to the other.
And how everyone behaves, says and acts- makes me bother,
Ohh! I am so good. I am an extra nice person.
Holy text tells me what is the Truth? What is wrong? What is right?
It shows me the way I should live, and explains why I have this life?
And tells me the right path when I can’t analyze and I am confused.
Ahh! Life is so easy now. Don’t remember when my brain was lastly used.
Life is good and I am on my way to heaven,
Ohh! I am so good. I am an extra nice person.
Even I have evil deep desires, like any one else,
But I am not sharing it with anybody, not even with my true self.
Yeah! I look so nice, so beautiful, and so good. I am a believer, a care taker, a lover.
But, I can’t see myself fully naked in front of a mirror.
_JaSdeep Mandia
posted by jasdeep mandia at 11:27 AM
7 Comments:
gud 1 pal!!
The ending was good... but the start wasnt that impressive.. it kept me guessing what the hell is this poem about. This might have been the purpose - to keep it a bit obscure, but it got me irritated and for a moment I thought of quitting...
But still, overall the message is well portrayed, very impressive idea.
well, till now, this poem of mine is most deep and was written with something very specific reason. and i feel that i was quite successful in doing that. never wanted it to be simple.
cheers!
I love it dude. I love it so much I am thinking of writing a review for it. What do you say? But, just a few quick points:
1. The narrative takes a sudden turn in the last stanza and thats where the simplicity and repetitiveness of earlier stanzas assert their effect.
2. Other tools you could have used might be metaphor, simile, spacing etc. I don't know whether the use of Contrast instead of other tools was deliberate or not. But one thing is for sure - I havent seen the use of this element (I mean Contrast) in a better form, at least I dont remember any.
3. The context in which 'heaven' is used is highly debatable. Maybe, the idea of utopia, rather than heaven, would be more just to the context. But it ur poem, so its ur call.
mast!
humein bakar karney ki nayee jageh mil gayee....
hey kalyan.
thx for the comments. u analyzed it so critically. cheers! to you.
contrast was deliberate. initially there were two paragraphs only. 1st and last. i tried to give stress on the first para & i came up with 4 paras which definitely looks a bit repetitive (even to me.). but i tried to show the layers infact thick layers(in reality they are) so as to show the core or reality in one para.
"heaven": its a main parameter to show the belief of the character. i had to use it. if u look inside, you "ll see that its a main tool to show what i wanted to show.
cheers!
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